


Optimism is a lie

by Weiru



Series: Haikyuu vent fics [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Eating Disorders, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecure Hinata Shouyou, Insecurity, No Beta, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger warning :eating disorder, i cant tag properly sorry yall!, trigged warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24347461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weiru/pseuds/Weiru
Summary: Hinata just wanted someone to be there for him when he felt lower than ever but it seemed as if noone was willing to look past his smiles to see the shattered little boy that he was.Optimism could only get him so far and even though he tried to be accommodating to his team and be the sunshine that they need, it was as if they forgot about him as soon as he wasnt there.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei
Series: Haikyuu vent fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727368
Comments: 15
Kudos: 250





	Optimism is a lie

**Author's Note:**

> Stop reading if you are triggered by the following:  
> Insecurity/ self worth issues  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Depression  
> And eating disorders (its implied)
> 
> I dont glorify these topics this is just my feelings and personal experiences.

Hinata hated the word skinny. It was a word that clung to his very existence and dragged him down with ever step he took. The constant remarks about his weight made him feeling lower and lower everyday and it wasn’t as if he could control it.

Hinata ate the same as everyone else in his class if not more and yet he was still under fire at being ‘too skinny’. Whenever he looked at the scale he just kept seeing the same numbers day in and day out, year after year.

It got to the point where he could no longer look at food and feel like eating, there was no point if no matter what he did everyone looked at him as if he was skin and bones. The only though in his head was how much he could eat without feeling sick and if that would finally be enough for him to gain weight.

Hinata wanted to be accepted and not looked at as if he had a problem, there was nothing wrong with him but everyone seemed to jump to their own conclusion. He hated the way his friends would shove their crisps in his direction and not take no as an answer.

Their strained joking tone as they encouraged him to eat left him feeling helpless and alone. Hinata knew that they thought that he had a problem but the reality was that he just didn’t want to be forced to eat. He could remember all the days he spent gagging over vegetables in his food with his mother screaming at him to eat them. Even years later Hinata still couldn’t look at onions or tomatoes the same.

At first he didn’t understand the feeling of panic that he got when he saw vegetables in his food but after a while he realised what it was. It was the fear of the inevitable raised voiced and a hand held in the air as if to strike him yet again that left him shaky and unwilling to eat.

He had found himself instinctively flinching away from phantom hands as he picked aside the pepper from his food. It made him sick and dread meals, what was the point of eating when all it did was cause suffering and pain. His mother didn’t even try to take into account his hate of certain vegetables and instead threatened him until he chocked it down with burning tears in his eyes.

The sickly sweet tone of her voice when he voiced her opinion of how ‘skinny’he had gotten and how he needed to eat more. He hated everyones constant fixation with food and he just wanted the freedom to eat what he wanted and whenever he wanted.

The talk of diets made him feel helpless especially when he was now looked at as their ideal weight. During gym Hinata could hear all the remarks about how he looked but he had grown to accept everyones view on him. His body was deceiving. He wasnt skinny at all and underneath his clothes there were subtle curves to body and he couldn’t see his ribs unlike what everyone else thought.

Hinata had gotten used to the painful remarks about how lucky he was to be at this weight. He couldn’t blame them since they didn’t understand what they were talking about but he had struggled for years to gain even a pound. It was hard to stay idle and listen to the girls his age talk about how much they want to lose weight and how hard it was.

Hinata understood what they meant but the discussions on how they were going to limit their food to only one banana and a glass of water each meal left him feeling sick. He understood the pain of hunger very well and it wasnt a good feeling.

To be unable to even stand from your bed or be able to climb down the stairs without resorting to sliding down it was near impossible. Hinata wanted everyone to look at him the same as if he was just like everyone else. When he started volleyball he was happy to see people that didn’t force him to eat what he didn’t want and even allowed him to eat meat buns after practice.

That was Hinata’s favorite thing to eat and the fact that his team didn’t look at him with any other emotion other than fondness made him feel as if he finally belonged. Even more so with Tanaka offering him food but not forcing him when he said no. Hinata couldn’t help but smile up at him everytime he didn’t push him to eat and a warm feeling rose up in his chest which he later realised as the feeling of belonging.

It was wishful thinking that there would be no more problems once he started playing with his team. All the remarks about his height left him feeling hopeless and inadequate especially when tsukishima called him shrimpy. Not only mocking his height but also his weight too.

After a while he had also hated the word short. Hinata couldnt help but feel as if everyone brushed him off as worthless until he jumped and spiked the ball and proved them wrong. Being looked at as if he was nothing over something he couldn’t control left him angry but he covered that up beneath layers and layers of smiling and fake laughter.

Hinata remembered the way Kageyama also looked down on him as if he was lesser than the dirt on his shoe. He was everything hinata wanted to be. Strong, tall, muscular, confident and most of all never looked down on. For once in his life he wanted to be the first choice and not feel as if he would only ever be the last resort.

He had tried so hard to catchup to Kageyama and yet he found himself being brushed off all the time and cast aside. Even his team began to look at him with pitying looks the day his spikes began to get blocked. He felt useless and it hurt to much. Hinata just wanted someone to be there for him when he felt lower than ever but it seemed as if noone was willing to look past his smiles to see the shattered little boy that he was. Optimism could only get him so far and even though he tried to be accommodating to his team and be the sunshine that they need, it was as if they forgot about him as soon as he wasnt there.

Hinata had seen this happen multiple times before with his previous friends. They would run away from him when he asked them for a toss and seemed to forget about his existence the moment they turned away. He should have been used to this but all he could think of was how much it hurt to be forgotten.

He had thoughts daily about how easy it would be to just end it all, he didn’t feel this way all the time but the urge persisted even at his happiest moments. Hinata just wanted people to stop looking down at him for once and treat him like an ally rather than a burden.

He had also began to hate being called an idiot but he supposed they werent wrong. He surely must be a fool if he hoped that this time would be different.

Noone was willing to look at beyond what they could physically see but what did he really expect.

**Author's Note:**

> I dont feel like explaining this one because its almost 4am and im tired. Maybe ill edit one in but for now im hammered since i wrote this whole thing in like 45 minutes. Let me know how you feel about this. For some weird reason i always get a little insecure about my writing since its just purely my feelings but im trying not to orphan my work. Ill make a promise to never do that this time. Sorry for all the sad fics. To be honest theres like 3 more sad fics in this fandom i have yet to update but i also have some fluff to upload (gonna be kenhina sorry yall i just love them together). Sorry for rambling but leave comments about how you feel about this. Deadass comments are the only reason why im gonna continue writing. If there are typos let me know and ill fix them! (Or any grammatical errors)


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